Putting up Christmas decorations was a bad idea. I’m drunk and stuck on top of the house with an inflatable Easter Bunny.

Cop : HANDS IN THE AIR! Me: *drunk, starts flailing arms* Cop: NO, NOT LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

My dad “Girls are the devil, always remember that son” says my married father while we were eating supper in front of my mother/his wife

A Man’s Biggest Hope Most men hope they will marry a nymphomaniac. The problem is, that after a few years, the nympho leaves but the maniac is still there.

Did you hear about the basketball tournament in Mexico? Its Juan vs. Juan

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?” What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

Phone just autocorrected “your” to “yore” in case thou wouldst think I’m smarter than thee.

If CERN’s Large Hadron Collider creates a black hole that destroys earth would that make it a weapon of math destruction?

I am extremely offended by the song “God is Dead” by Black Sabbath. How can Ozzy Osbourne possibly sing that? …when Tony Iommi is standing right next to him, alive and well.

I grew up thinking my dad was a fireman Then I realised he was just an arsonist