Why did Captain Kirk take such a long time in the washroom? Because he was fighting the Klingons.

3rd eye: youre on drugs 4th eye: youre a nerd 5th-7th eyes: ??? 8th eye: you are now a spider 9th eye: spider on drugs 16th eye: nerd spider

No matter how white-hot my rage feels, I have been unable to clear the snow off my driveway by giving it the finger.

Boy, pet stores don’t like it when you ask, “What is the most delicious animal you sell here?”

(My wedding day) Grandma: You remind me so much of your father Me: Wow, thanks that means a lot G: Your father was a disappointment also

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run – she is still holding the grenade!

A person is drowning and yelling “HELP I DON’T KNOW HOW TO SWIM” A bystander tells him to shut up because he doesn’t know how to swim either but he’s not freaking out about it like the guy drowning.

I want to follow you back, really, I do. But the hash tags. My god the hash tags.

Hey girl, are you a derivative function? Cuz I wanna be tangent to your curves.

Roses are red…. Violets are blue-ish, If it weren’t for Christmas, we’d all be Jewish!