What’s the difference between a religious revival and a bikers rally? At a religious revival, they say “STAND UP FOR JESUS” At a bikers rally, they say “SIT DOWN FOR CHRIST’S SAKE”

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

I swallowed a piece of Lego the other day I was shitting bricks.

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S… Me: Grounded.

Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong? Because the rest are weekdays.

I like my women like I like my rice… Hot, white, and with my meat in it.

Steak jokes. They’re a rare medium well done.

5: “Why is the moon so bright?” Me: “It’s not, it’s pretty dim actually.” Moon: “I heard that.”

Why didn’t the bear go to college? Because bears don’t go to college.

What do you call it when a lizard cums? Busting a newt