Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

What did the poet with hemorrhoids say? I’m stuffin the puffin back into my muffin.

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? AYEE ya thought it be ARRR but it be the ‘C’!

I say “do I smell popcorn” right after I fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.

Why the long face ? A horse walks into a bar. Bartender: why the long face ? Horse: because I’m a raging alcoholic.

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

I think it’s cool that our galaxy is named after a chocolate bar.

What’s the difference between Lamar Odom and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and reuse it.

How did the pig get to the hospital? in a hambulance.

With a wheelchair, everyday is Halloween! Children are scared of you, adults try to guess what you are, and the elderly just give you candy! Paraphrased from the wonderful Zach Anner