What do balloons and virgins have in common? One prick and its gone.

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

I like my bourbon the way the Chinese like their women… 11 years old and mixed up with coke.

First woman on the Moon: “Houston, we have a problem.” What? “Never mind” What’s the problem? “Nothing” Please tell us? “You know what the problem is.”

[Walk into a Cat Cafe] Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend? Lady-They’re for adopting not eating M-Oh, well can I adopt one? L-No

2nd Rule of Parent Club: If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

*friend gets divorced Mon* *friend goes on date Tues* *I break up with boyfriend* *15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

[Security breach at Wayne manor] BRUCE: *brooding darkly* ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line -Japanese spelling bee