Police officer: Have you had anything to drink? Me:No PO:Ok, blow into here Me:But there are no candles PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

So a midget’s at a casino and he runs into his friend the dealer… The dealer says “Hey how you feelin? I heard you were sick.” The midget says “Naah I’m a little better.”

What’s E.T. short for? Cus he’s got little legs

*double-checks the constitution to see if we really have to have a president*

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.” -Unorganized Crime

Why did the Eskimos have to stop partying? because they ran out of Natural Light

Saw my neighbour scrubbing some graffiti saying ‘paedo’ off his door this morning… I said “What’s been going on mate?” He said “Fucking kids!”

What’s red and orange and looks good on hipsters? Fire.

What do you call a man who gives a woman the illusion of entitlement? A Husband…

What do you call a gay dinosaur? A stego-sore-ass