Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

An Elvis impersonator had to cancel a show because he got some terrible family news. He was all shook up

Why spend all that time in school to be a doctor,, when you can save lives by forwarding an email or reposting a status on your Facebook wall?

Which Knight invented the Round Table? Sir Cumference

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar. Sits down. The bartender comes over and the ham sandwich says: > I’d like a triple of bourbon, neat. Bartender says: > I’m sorry, we don’t serve food here.

How many potatoes a day will make you fat? 00000