you must be irish because my penis is dublin

What’s the difference between when you’re hungry and when you’re horny Where you put the cucumber.

In the beginning … God created the world, and rested. Then God created man, and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

I got attacked by a yob with bat down the local park yesterday.. I was really impressed with how well he had it trained

12: Dad, if Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of god, didn’t Mary have a little lamb? Me: And you came with a no return policy

Why is #Windows10 releasing before nine? because 7 8 9

A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing… ‘He’s like a fish out of water.’ ‘You mean he’s having trouble adjusting?’ ‘No, I mean he’s dead.’ -Mike Close-

Well well well if it isn’t the kangaroo whose pouch I’m in.

You know, Microsoft, if you had called it Bang instead of Bing, you’d have destroyed Google. Example: I just Banged Catherine Zeta Jones.

[at the gym] Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.” Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”