Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

Last night my girlfriend fell asleep before me, so I decided to lick her pussy until she woke up. This morning she asked why the cat seemed afraid of me.

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone: 3. Never punish Buzz 2. Forget one of their kids 1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

If i could give any advice to hitler… Auschwitz should have been the first thing you made.

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

One-Liners The attraction to redheads is a lot like being addicted to drugs.

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

A fat guy walks into a bar [deleted]

I suffer bloating for years until I found this one secret supplement! “rotten eggs”