Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison Elementary are safe today.

Why does Helen Keller only masterbate with one hand? She needs the other to moan.

Dad, is that dog over there a wiener dog? Son, with enough peanut butter every dog is a wiener dog.

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly* Me: Why is she so loud? Wife: That’s how she talks. Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

What’s the resemblance between a bungeejump and a african whorehouse? If the rubber blows, you’re dead

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

Kissing is like peeing your pants Everyone can see it but only you can feel the heat

Why do they make condoms with ribs? So you can get traction in the mud.

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob “Perfect!” Thanks “What’s his last name?” Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

Russian Cosmonauts have been banned from telling jokes on the Interational Space Station… … because they always involve Mir puns.