A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

Why are shoes always tied in the ghetto? Because if not, you always be trippin nigga.

Waiter your tie is in my soup! That’s all right sir it’s not shrinkable.

My Girlfriend is writing a book about menstrual cycles. It’s a period piece.

Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.

My parents won’t say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life. It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

How do I explain to my dog tonight that thunder isn’t the all powerful god of canine destruction searching for him with every boom

You get a fish bite! You get a fish bite! You get a fish bite! You’re all getting fish bites! – OPiranha

Doctor doctor I think I’ve been bitten by a vampire. Drink this glass of water. Will it make me better? No but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.