I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

Finding out a gay guy has a crush on you is like finding 1,000,000 pesos. You’ll think “Well, I can’t do much with this right now, but if I ever cross that line I’ll be just fine”

If I was a boss anywhere my job interviews would consist of only one question: who do you play as in Mario Kart

I like my women as i like my whiskey… 10 years old and locked in a basement

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

Helium walks into a bar and orders water. The bartender apologises, “sorry sir we are out of water” … It doesn’t react

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

I’d watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.

What is green, and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.

Why do engineers have to practice their social skills? So they don’t forget either of them.