Sausages… They’re the wurst.

What did Earth say to the Sun? My life revolves around you!

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

Have you heard of the corduroy pillow? It’s making headlines everywhere.

My mate says I don’t understand irony… Which is ironic, because we were at a bus stop at the time.

Every yo-yo trick should be called “no friends.”

Is there a mouse in the house ? No but there’s a moose on the loose !

Adding Blonde Q: Why couldn’t the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator? A: She couldn’t find the 10 key.

With all the division in this country, I wanted to reach out… …and tell my Latin friends “Feliz ano nuevo!”

I bought condoms. Cashier asked if I needed a bag, I said no she’s not that ugly RT @HeroinHadley:Tweet something inspirational. I need it.