Why did Jesus come back from the dead? Because Mary Magdalene was his Horcrux.

Ran out of time At work today a coworker said to me… Coworker: I was goin to make a smoothie for breakfast but I ran out of time . Me: You put thyme in your smoothie ?! .

Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus .. Bus conductor : The older one should sit here Both looked at each other And the seat remained empty :p

Wife: You act like a child with that phone. Me: Child? I’m a grown ass man. Wife: Let me see your phone. Me: No. *snatches phone Me: MINE

I want to date a girl who is willing to solve any disagreements with impromptu light-saber battles.

I want to die drunk and peacefully like my grandfather Not like his 6 other screaming passengers

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

How do you get Cream of Mushroom in Pokemon? Put 2 Amoonguss’ in the daycare.

The other day a Swedish man called me a racist and a believer of stereotypes… So Ikea’d his car.