If Pluto isn’t a planet because it’s too small… then do you really have a penis?

ME: need help? GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump ME (inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk): I thought u’d never ask

Do you think it’s ok to lie to a girl in order to sleep with her…? Because I feel really bad about lying to my mom like that

Me: Hi. Can I help you? Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand Me: Great. Where is it? Him: What? Me: The nightstand.

fun prank: replace sugar packets at restaurants with cocaine

Vegetables They never knew what hit em

How to you get rid of the dandelions on your lawn? Paint one of them black; the others will move away.

What do people call Miley Cyrus in Europe? Kilometery Cyrus

Love is a decision. I have decided not to smother my husband with his pillow. Our love will live another day.

A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live… Patient – “No, I don’t accept that! I’d like an alternative fact please” Doctor – “Money-wise, you are now set for life”