What’s better than roses on my piano? Tulips on my organ!

How is cunnilingus like riding a bike with an open face helmet? It’s a lot of fun as long as you don’t end up with bugs in your teeth.

(NSFW) Coors Light is like having sex in a canoe. Fucking close to water.

They say if your erection lasts… They say if your erection lasts more than 4 hours that you should call a doctor… I say you should tell your wife to call some friends!

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous… … I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week, and I have to say, I’m disappointed.

I don’t research Nihilism anymore. What’s the point?

Unrestrained children in the back seat can cause accidents. Unrestrained accidents in the back seat can cause children.

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

Where is the best place to buy authentic shrunken heads? Brazil