What does Ebola and US police have in common? A high body count of black people

Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.

If I were Russian I’d be Vladimir Poopin

How do you pickup chicks in Auschwitz ? With a dustpan..

Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she’s in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

I’d hit that. – women drivers

I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I’m a writer. “Oh yeah?” he asks. “Have you sold anything yet?” I said, “Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff.”

What do you call a donkey in space? A wild asstronaught.

I’m a racist I think the human race is the best one.