so my girl friend just called me a pedofile i told her that was a big word for a 5 year old

I carry around a note in my wallet that says, “The curse must be passed, I’m so sorry” in case it’s ever stolen.

What kind of disease do you get from birds? Chirpes. It’s a canarial disease, and I hear it’s untweetable.

I totally bombed my LSATs by writing in “Possession” for nine-tenths of the answers.

If Catholics are in a demonstration… … Are they Protestants?

Naming your child “Roger” is fine, until you have to tell someone about it over a two-way radio.

All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.

Once you go black… You’re a single mother.

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

Commercial for Twitter dot com: *man yells nonsense out his window* Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?