How are you getting on with the Internet? Surf far so good.

Put my grandma on speed dial Call that Instagram. My friend told me this a little while ago.

How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.

You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you’re doing your best.

Insurance agent to would-be client: “Don’t let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonite. If you wake in the morning give me a call then and let me know.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said “Bread in captivity”.

[at a funeral home] ME: One death please

Give a woman a compliment, she’ll smile for a day.. Teach a woman to fish for compliments & she’ll be annoying for the rest of her life.

Curiosity both did and did not kill Schrodinger’s cat.

A class is learning about probability.. Teacher: If I toss a penny, what are the chances that I get a head? Girl: For a penny? Not very bright.