I asked Princess Leia why her and Han weren’t going to make it… She said it is because “Han shot first.”

Text: OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such vile, offensive, filthy, sick things. You should be removed from society. GET HELP! Love Mom XO

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

I like my coffee how I like my women… imported

Knock knock. Who’s there? * Fuck. * Fuck who? * Fuck you.

What’s worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat? Sitting on a warm one.

Daddy, there’s a man at the door with a beard! Tell him I already have one.

What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years, your job will still suck.

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.