I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac. And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

Me: [getting stabbed by criminal] buddy this seems illegal

My girlfriend thinks she has syphilis.. I keep telling her it’s all in her head.

What do you call a chocolate moose? Dessert.

Did you hear about the convict who refused to take a nap? He was resisting a rest.

I’d only marry someone if they seemed like they’d be pretty easygoing during our divorce.

Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting? “hey I’m taking a shit but come on in and join me”

What is a gay guys favorite search engine? Bing Bing

I want to start an all Chinese, Iron Maiden cover band It’ll be called Maiden China

I just took nitrous oxide, and laxatives. For shits, and giggles.