The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

Why don’t the Mexicans have an olympics team? Because anybody who can run jump or swim is in the States.

I turn heads every time I go to work Makes sense, I’m a chiropractor.

What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler? Usain Bolt can finish a race

How do turtles communicate? With shell phones.

Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship? Neither, they both eat out

How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.

I think my daughter might turn out to be the next Martin Scorsese! (Her eyebrows are fucking terrifying)

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

I often agree to let my kids sleep over at other people’s houses, just to remind parents that there are kids who are way worse than theirs.