So my girlfriend throws up in the morning also her stomach is getting bigger. It’s time I get it through my head…..She drinks to much..

Q: What does a king do when he burps? A: He issues a royal pardon.

What a lie

What’s the difference… What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with a bra? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

I love how women always smell good, and can complete you, and are sometimes wrapped in tinfoil. Wait, that’s a burrito. I love burritos.

Having kids can really strengthen a marriage. My wife and I never had a common enemy before.

I share a commute with three friends. Every weekday for the last 15 years I’ve driven into the city, taking the road that goes under the river. Now the doctor says I have Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

I was scraping a window at my Grandma’s house…. I then thought up a joke for my mom to hear it was “This window scraping stuff is a pane in the glass!” She laughed 🙂

I bought a metronome recently, I left it in my car as I stopped at the bank machine for a minute, came back and it was gone, someone stole it but was caught… …now I hear the thief is doing 2/4

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA