My girlfriend was crying because she had gum in her hair. I told her to cut it out.

What do you call a fight between film actors ? Star wars !

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

BOSS: you’re an hour late GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

What do you get when you cross pokemon and digimon?! A poke-mon!

I love this hooker. Warts and all.

Christian Mingle: God has hidden a spouse for you on our website. Pay us $30 and see if you can find them.

I brought a pet iguana home from the pet store… I think there’s something wrong with him because he’s very lethargic and I can’t get him up. It must be a reptile dysfunction.

Hey guys! I reversed entropy! yportne

I bet whenever a cow eats a lot of grass she says to her friends “I’ve been eating like a cow!” and they’d laugh and moo or whatever cows do