If I was smarter I’d make my social network passwords impossible to type when drunk.

When life gives you melons… don’t burn the pot roast.

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and I spotted a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, “Morning.”He replied, “No, just having a shit.”

Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? “see you next month”

[with father in law] “You know how to pluck a goose, son?” Er yes sir, sure do *stretches goose’s neck and plays it like a double bass*

I’m clingy, but not ” Simon Cowell’s t-shirt” clingy.

a British satanist dates a lot of black women he is a master of the dark arse ( a bad joke )

What do you say to a chav that has got a job? Bigmac and fries please