The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.

Life is too short to have a small breasted dental hygienist.

How do you make your wife cry when you’re having sex? Ring her up and let her listen

What do you tell someone who occupies space and has mass? You matter.

Tried to pick up a woman at a cremation once. Got my fingers burnt.

If Watergate happened today it would be called Watergategate.

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

My gay friend told me he’s spending this 4/20 with his boyfriend. He said, “After all, the Bible says ‘Two men who lie together shall be stoned’.”

What do you call a pack of sorority girls who aren’t in law school? Deez hoes ain’t lawyers.