thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

What’s hardest part about eating bald pussy? Putting the diaper back on.

I used to have a dog named Ass. RIP Ass

Saturday plans: -get abducted then hunted by a group of rich guys on a game reserve, then systematically take them out one by one. – laundry

What will they play at the presidential inauguration if Republicans win? Trump-ets I’ll see myself out

A guy goes to his doctor, and the doctor tells him, “You’ve got to stop masturbating.” And the guy’s like, “Wait, why?” The doctor reploes, “So I can examine you.”

I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 9, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.

YOU SHALL NOT PASS! -Texas Senator Wendy Davis

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Bacon causes cancer. Canadian bacon apologizes.