We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

Why did raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box? She kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face screaming “LIE TO ME”!

Do you believe in God? “Do you believe in God?” “Of course! There’s only one J.C. for me!” AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!!!! !!!

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?” Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?” “…Yes” *wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

What’s the difference between me and a calendar? A calendar has dates. #foreveralone

How did the medical community come up with the term PMS? Mad cow disease was already taken.

Mum: Jackie go outside and play with your whistle. Your father can’t read his paper. Jackie: Wow I’m only eight and I can read it

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

I asked my friends how they decided they were going to have a baby… They said it was just sperm of the moment.

just Facebook stalked the sister of the new boyfriend of the last girl who dated my ex. I’m just as confused as you are