She:Hey,Whats up? Me:Onion prices. S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’? M:Nutshells. S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin? M:Corn. *Blocked*

{Kid’s bday party} Me: Where’s the cake? Mom of kid: We don’t believe in sugar. Me: I promise it’s real. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.

A little lizard So a girl walks into a bar with a little lizard and the bartender asks her what she has in her hands. She replies that it’s my newt.

Why can’t ovaries sail a boat? Because they are not sea-men.

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

I like my chocolate like I like my men. Rich.

Why do they call it a “waist”? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits down there.

My credit card number is 4339-8245… Wait. Is this Amazon?

What do prostitute Equine wear? They wear Whoreshoes

5 out of 4 people have a problem with fractions… I’m just gonna let that sink in for a second.