Whats the difference between an elephant and a grape? They are both purple, except for the elephant.

The doctor told Harry Potter to drink 2L of Water a Day, but Harry didn’t listen. Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone.

How do you blow up a Muslim’s iPhone? Put it into airplane mode.

I like my women like I like my pie…. Made by my grandmother.

HER: do u have a condom ME: u bet [whistles] [an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat] H: holy shit M: ya sometimes he brings cats

“Git yer cotton pickin hands off a my gin.” -Eli Whitney

What I admire about England I’m a Malaysian man,and I went to England for my 2 weeks vacation.What surprise me,the kid in England,5-7 years old,already know how to speak English

Me: Two fingers here. Son: OK. M: One in the other hole. S: Got it. M: Relax your wrist. Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM? M: Bowling. Chill.

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body? *flashes back to ex *shudders

What is Fido the dog’s favorite part of a tree? Bark! What is his favorite canine? Wolf! How does he like his sex? Ruff!