It was so cold in D.C. today… …that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

[shows up 2 hours late for interview] Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

I had to take my horse to get surgery last week The doctor told me he’s in stable condition

You can’t change the past. But you can sit around in your underwear, dwelling on it and crying over what could have been.

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

What’s 6.9? 69 interrupted by a period.

This bread is my meat, this wine is my blood… … and this beer and milk are… -Master, that’s enough, I ran out of ink!

Yo mama so fat She couldn’t fit in this joke.

California is the best state. The nerds make the apps and the agents make the moving pictures. We keep the idiots happy. Give us your water.

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate