All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake] You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

Failed my biology test today: They asked, “What is commonly found in cells?” Apparently “black people” wasn’t the correct answer.

Kim Kardashian’s butt Q: What do you call the space between Kim Kardashian’s breasts and butt cheeks? A: Silicon Valley.

My wife woke me up all excited this morning… She said honey look at all the pounds I’ve lost. I told her that she was looking at our retirement account not her fitbit.

Wood Tits A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday. It would be funny if this joke had a punch line, wooden tit?

How many Trump campaign managers does it take to change a lightbulb? Hopefully not very many because they keep getting fired.

“You do realize it’s a crime to lie in court, right?” *I think for a moment and then move my hands closer together*

Why do guys think to much They have two heads

the worst part of this guy catching me masturbating to a Highlights magazine is looking him in the eye for an hour while he cleans my teeth.