Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

What do you call a confidence game within a confidence game within (yet another) confidence game? Conception

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

What do you call someone from Massachusetts who murders a bunch of Catholics? A Mass. Mass Mass Murderer.

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown* Me: Sweetie, you need to share Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

THE DOCTOR WITH HIS PATIENT The doctor to the patient: You are very sick’ The patient to the doctor: Can I get a second opinion?’ The doctor again: Yes, you are very ugly too…’

friend: wish you were here! me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

What’s the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman’s mouth? Albert Einstein’s dick.