I used to work as a waiter at an insane asylum… Serving soup to nuts.

My girlfriend. ..probably tells me a lot that I don’t listen to her.

Did you know: if you put your ear upon a stranger’s leg… …you can hear them saying “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?”

what do you call a bookstore that’s also a bar? tequila mockingbird

Excuse me sir, where do you keep the “Whoomp”? Oh, there it is.

The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I’ve weighed myself before and after I walk into my job.

Whats the Diffrence Between Hitler and Usain Bolt? One can acctualy finish a race

I’m calling it now: I’m going to discover the cure for blindness and make billions of dollars someday. You’ll all see.

I lost 130 pounds of useless fat! Divorce is great!

What do you call a woman who obsesses over learning about sex? An info-maniac.