Divorce lawyers all over the world are rubbing their hands together in glee now that Twitter DM has a picture function.

What borders stupidity? Canada and Mexico.

Is this how you reddit ? I threw my old Ironing board out and have started using Katie Price instead. Her legs are easier to open.

What happened to the Greek dairy farmer who got robbed on his way to market? He was un-feta-ed of his cheese.

How does a train eat? It goes chew chew

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own? It’s two tired.

Fire engines are painted red for camouflage, so they can sneak up on fires without being noticed

Sometimes, to impress girls, I use big words that I don’t fully understand… …in an effort to sound more photosynthesis.

Terrorist Jokes. They’ll make you explode with laughter.