My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure. So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die.

I like my women like i like my coffee Ground up in the freezer

What’s even more impressive than a talking dog ? A spelling bee!

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

A woman’s asshole is like a 9-volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re going to put your tongue on it.

My Friendster account was hacked. Now I’m being extorted for all those testimonials I wrote. Said no one ever.

A man is applying for the LAPD and the inspector says: “Got you! You thought this was going to be a repost!”

[traffic jam] MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why? ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

How do these people survive

Why do they call them “S’mores”? Because you always want another one!