The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.

I recently bought a copy of Monty Python’s Big Red Book, but was later dismayed to find that I’d purchased the Spanish language version… Nobody expects the Spanish text edition.

I made my money the old-fashioned way… I used a printing press

Why do witches go commando when riding around on their brooms? Better grip. Happy Halloween 🙂

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey W: but- PLS JUST DO IT *ends phonecall* BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

In 2009, it cost approximately 53,000 dollars to fly a troop to Iraq, and nearly double that to fly them back. Probably because of all the extra baggage.

What did Joey Ramone say to the prostitute? Hi ho, lets go.

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now. ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open? GOD: …

Two Tomatos A father tomato and son tomato were walking down the street. The son was falling behind so the father turned around and **STOMPED** on his son. “**KETCHUP!**”

How many rats does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but you have to get them in the lightbulb first.