Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

I’ve never approached even 10% of Aerosmith’s level of excitement that a dude looks like a lady.

i have to wake up at 3 am tomorrow to go to the airport i’ve honestly never felt more attacked and victimized than i do now

Door says push.. I pull.. If it says pull I push.. I’m ether a hardcore Rebel or I need glasses…

What did the black boy say when he had diarrhea? I’m melting!

Let’s try something different: How about anonymous white people arguing with one another viciously on the internet? Has that been tried yet?

My gay friend told me this joke… But he couldn’t keep a straight face

INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. I REPEAT. INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. HOLD THE DUCKFACES. HOLD THE MEALS. HOLD EVERYTHING.

Why doesn’t china have casinos? Because they hate Tibet.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.