My friend asked me if I had any black in me I told him not since I got out of prison.

I went to a massage parlor today… When it was time for the happy ending, I finished in 20 seconds. The massause said I need to come more often.

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind I’m the Jesus of social media

Irritating An irritating friend took a drink from my wife’s beer and said, “Ha,Ha, this is one step from kissing your wife!” “Yes it is,” I replied, “and two steps from sucking my dick.”

Sure, Aphrodite poses naked in a giant clam shell, she’s a goddess. But when I do it, I’m ”drunk’ and ‘no longer welcome at the aquarium’.

How do they fit so many islands into such a small bottle of dressing??!!

[gets down on 1 knee] Babe will you– “Yeah… Here it is” [she lends me her phone charger] Thanks

Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?

Yo Momma so black when she goes swimming poeple thinks shes and oil spill.