When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over. -me, right now

The Guy who traded a hat for things of equal or greater worth… No, seriously; let me know if you want to trade me something for my hat.

Where do muslims go when they die? To the ethereal startrek convention.

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom? [NSFW] A pick pocket snatches watches.

I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits. The other 7 glasses are just for me.

Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.

Q: What does a blonde answer to the question “Are you sexually active?” A: “No I just lie there.”

Old Twitter is what you’d get if an engineer brought New Twitter to Steve Jobs, and Steve beat on him relentlessly to simplify it.

Joss Whedon should open his own version of a Tractor Supply store, with gardening and animal supplies … … he could call it Whedon Feed ‘n Weed-n-feed