If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattracitve… …eventually they would find me attractive.

Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.

i have a heavy flow maxi pad in my wallet so it looks like i have lots of money

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

[end of a job interview] Interviewer: Any questions? Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it? Him: Me: Him: Which half?

How do you know you’re at a gay barbecue? The hot dogs taste like ass.

and so, the squirrel who forgot where he buried his acorn became the squirel who planted this tall beautibful oak tree

What do you call a urinary tract infection caused in a virgin? Immaculate Infection

That awkward moment; when no one else is laughing, except for you and you can’t stop.

A watch dog is like a regular dog,only it can show you the time.