My new girlfriend is amazing in the bedroom… She goes down on me more than the EA servers…

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise* Me: oh shit Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise* [From Basement]: Oh shit

I think I’m non-committal I mean I’m pretty sure, but, you know, who knows, really?

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

What do you call it when the women in the back of a mexican brothel talk after working all night? Whorechata. Probably my best original, lemme know what you think.

Me, to all my kids before the age of 2. “No screens allowed.” On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad. “This is your mother now.”

My friend just joined a reggae band playing the triangle, he says it’s easy… All he has to do is stand at the back ‘n’ ting.

*walkig around department store that is full of wat clearly are christmas decorations* its haloween again ALREADY??

‘Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.’ ‘But I never went to college.’ ‘Well then, I’m sorry. You are underqualified to work here.’

I went to a military history exhibit at a museum in Little Italy. I saw a cool old German submarine. I walked up to a guy and said, “Hey, is that a U-boat?” He said, “No, it’s-a the museum’s!”