Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

Why did the chicken cross the road? Is there a punchline that could make this joke funny?

If I park 20 spots from the store in an empty parking lot and you park next to me, I’m slamming my door into your car 34 times.

Rule number one of the English language: The use of double negatives is a big no-no

You know why I Hate Carpools? Everytime I go through a tunnel my wrist hurts.

My girlfriend said she’s break up with me if I didn’t stop being a casanova. Apparently she doesn’t like that I live in my Chevy.

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

I told an ebola joke And only 50% died laughing.

I saw a racially tolerant orchestra… None of them were bassists.

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.