call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? ask them to pronounce unionized

Q: Why did the easter egg hide? A: Because it was a little chicken on the inside.

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there. ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

Who is going to win tonight’s presidential election? The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

I found out where babies come from and it’s fucking gross you guys.

How to kill time. Hold your right ear with your lett hand and your nose with your right hand, then hold your left ear with your right hand and your nose with your left hand, and repeat and repeat.

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine] “Who’s president?” Barack Obama “Braco? Sounds Mexican” Nope “Whew” You might want to sit down

Where do hogs keep their money? In piggy banks.

Modern art is easy to understand If you left poop at the door, rang the bell, and ran away – it’s installation. If you rang the bell and then deposited the poop- it’s performance.