It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

If you love something set it free, if it stays its yours Go on then pizza, leave! Get outta here….. *pizza stays *happy tears

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

[spelling bee] Your word is ‘mnemonic’ “Can you use it in a sentence?” Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground And I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, “Uno, dos…” And poof! He disappears without a tres.

I tried to catch some fog. But I mist.

I just shook the crumbs out of my keyboard and they spelled “GAYLORD.” My haters grow more powerful everyday.

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.