If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a DATE: no ME: mewseum DAD: *nods his approval*

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved.

Red Dead Redemption 2 announced! Not. :^ )

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? Because it was too chicken to do it.

Life is like a box of chocolates… and I am a lactose-intolerant diabetic.

“What does it mean when you see a flag flying at half-mast outside of a mostly white high school?” They’re hiring.

Why did the baker have so many customers? He desperately kneaded the dough!

I fell off a 50 foot ladder yesterday. Luckily I was on the bottom step.

I heard people in jail can only turn left. Because they lost all their rights.