Does anyone want to come over and stare at our phones?

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

I got like 30 followers off a tweet about free porn sites, to which I say free credit report lose weight free penis enlargement.

Many call me an elastic band The more you pull, the harder I cum

What did the large furry mammal say when the salamander who kept asking for favors went too far? I can’t bear it! You axolotl of me this time!

hmm i think i’ll have a small snack *eats an apple, a packet of cookies, a small couch, the whole living room, a saudi arabian family of 4*

Pigs in a blanket Hey, isn’t that the same as an undercover cop?

What are Starbucks two shipping options? Ground and federal expresso

What’s a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.

HELLO I SEE THAT YOU SLIGHTLY TOUCHED YOUR MOUSE WOULD YOU LIKE TO UPDATE JAVA?