What’s the hardest part about being a vegan? Waking up at 5 am to milk the almonds.

Why does the lawyer hate doing pro-bono work? Because he fucking hates U2.

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

How many feminist does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. 1 to screw it in, and one to suck my cock.

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a monastery? Nun.

Why are monkeys pedantic? Because they love nitpicking.

What did the school in Egypt finally get? A new bus.

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you. Me; Ummm… ok.

A man walks in to a bar His alcoholism is destroying his family.

What has 52 teeth and can hold back the incredible Hulk? My Zipper