My wife was cremated after her death. Also during.

Q: What was the real purpose of Bill’s college visit to Moscow? A: To study economics.

I pronounce CHampagne & CHandelier like CHimp so the lower class thinks I’m “approachable” & the upper class thinks I’m “eclectic”

My wife is playing hard to get. Rid of.

[Olive Garden] PATRON: there are so many types of pasta WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

Ambushed my mother-in-law After visiting our house my mother-in-law got ambushed by 6 men who starting punching her. My wife shouted “Are you gonna help?”, I said “6 should be enough!”

No YouP0rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.

They say there’s safety in numbers… Well tell that to 6 million Jews

Someday I’m gonna open a pawn shop and blow everyone’s mind when I only sell rooks, bishops and knights.

What does a pencil have in common with marijuana? If it doesn’t make you look smart, it’s blunt.