According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.

Ahhhh,,, At last, my wife has found something her butt does not look big in…………… Walmart

The lights at this chinese dumpling place were too bright I had to ask them to Dim Sum

Nurse: It’s just a little prick.. Me: That’s what my gf said! N: Ha M: Haha N: HAHA M: HAHAHA! N: You don’t have a gf, do you? M: No.

Do you like Christmas? Then why don’t you merry it?

I wanted to get a brain transplant… But I changed my mind.

Why do people take such an instant dislike to Ted Cruz ? It saves so much time.

Hey fat people, a venti caramel mocchiato w/ whipped cream isn’t coffee, its a sundae.

I slipped on some black ice today I knew it was black ice because now my wallets missing.

A pair of fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we don’t serve fonts here!” But they sat down anyways because they were **bold**.